Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Dear Microsoft fanboys

DearMicrosoft fanboys,

You need to stop defending the non-existent awesomeness of kinect 2.0 gaming.

IT DOESN'T EXIST.

Look at what they showed off at E3.  Fantasia, where you wave your arms around with minimal on screen feedback, and VIDEOS of Kinect Sports Rival.

Don't you think, if Microsoft REALLY had something revolutionary, they would've let you play killer instinct with the Kinect?

They still haven't even added Kinect Features to MINECRAFT.  I remember, that was one of their big selling points for Minecraft.

You'll BE ABLE TO USE THE KINECT!!!

http://kotaku.com/5740089/kinect-for-minecraft-just-got-more-impressive

They showed off a bunch of cool features, bragged about the awesomeness of playing Minecraft with the Kinect.  Three years later, they still haven't released ANY kinect 1.0 features with Minecraft.

So when I see you guys bragging about the new Kinect, and the imaginary illumi-room, don't be surprised when the rest of us roll our eyes and laugh.  It's just Microsoft blowing smoke up our asses again.

Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2qlHoxPioM

How much of that original kinect hype ended up being true?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

An Open Letter to Microsoft's XBox Division

Dear Microsoft's Xbox Division--

What the FUCK, Microsoft?  Not only is "XBox One" the stupidest name ever, you've managed to alienate and piss off your dedicated group of core users.  I won't go into all the WRONG you are perpetrating, because it's already being dissected and thrown around the interwebs.  I will, however, school you on what real customer service is.

According to Susan A. Friedmann on the site marketing.about.com  there are Ten Commandments of Great Customer Service.  I'm going to list them, and tell you how you're completely mucking it up.

Here we go.  

1. Know who is the boss.  Dan Mattrick is technically the President of Interactive Entertainment at Microsoft, but I'm pretty sure Bruce Springsteen could do a better job (get it? get it?).  The "real boss", my readers, is THE CONSUMER.  After watching countless E3 related-interviews with all sorts of Microsoft people, it's clear that they have forgotten this. You must remember that your product and your job exist to serve me, not the other way around.

2. Be a good listener.  Being a good listener requires you to actually engage in a conversation in the first place.  I might be wrong, but nobody asked me what I wanted on the new Xbox. Was there some poll I missed somewhere?  

3. Identify and anticipate needs. This goes along with being a good listener.  If you don't ask, you won't know.  If you don't ask, you won't be able to meet my needs.  The gaming community is a very vocal group.  I'm sure they would have given a lot of feedback, given the chance.

4. Make customers feel important and appreciated.  Maybe this is what they are trying to do with the ever-listening Kinect camera?  Not all of us are exhibitionists.  The less-than helpful responses regarding the intricacies regarding the XBox One are managing to make your customers feel like small children.  Your pats on the head and half-assed reassurances about our concerns are making you sound like a douche.

5. Help customers understand your systems.  Apparently nobody at Microsoft has heard of KISS.  Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Here's a video in case you are confused:  Official Playstation Used Game Instructional Video.

6. Appreciate the power of "Yes".  From my research, it sounds like saying "Yes" might be under embargo at Microsoft.  If a company doesn't listen to it's most valuable source of ideas and inspiration-- it's employees-- no wonder they can't say "yes" to anything XBox gamers mights want or need.  Not that they asked us in the first place.  Take a gander at this article: Former Microsoft Manage Weighs In

7. Know how to apologize.  In order to do this, Microsoft and it's leaders need to possess humility. If Dan Mattrick's attitude is any indicator, I'm pretty sure hell will freeze over first.  Most of the time, I like to give people (and corporations) the benefit of the doubt, but the current hubris oozing from Microsoft is fogging my brain.

8. Give more than expected.  I somehow don't think this means what Microsoft thinks it means.  I'd like to say "no thanks" to all the caveats the XBox One requires-- continual online access, daily check-in, fees for paying used games, sharing only after having a friend for 30 days, ect.  I suspect Prism is less invasive.

9. Get regular feedback.  See nos. 2 and 3 above.  

10. Treat employees well.  Let's put it this way: I know a lot more former Microsoft employees than current ones, and I live less than ten miles away from HQ.  I really look forward to the (hopefully) forthcoming dirt from people on the inside about this whole XBox One development process.  They've probably all signed NDAs though. Sigh.

Okay, I've pontificated enough.  I'm not sure it will matter, Microsoft, since it's apparent you don't give a shit about what your customers have to say, but I feel better for having put it out there.  Normally I'd say, "Until next time!"-- but that's not the case here.  

Goodbye, XBox.  It was nice while it lasted. 

Jenna

P.S. All opinions expressed are my own, and you are welcome to disagree in a respectful way.  Thanks.

P.S.S. Yes we did reserve a launch-day PS4.